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Everything You Want

Two weeks ago I went with a group of friends to see the Backstreet Boys concert at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion. It was spectacular in ways I cannot possibly explain. This is due, in part, to the way I revert to being a 14 year old fangirl with a more limited vocabulary. My 14 year old self cannot tell you why it was fabulous, although if you could have seen the look on my face and the flaying of my arms that evening you might have a good idea (the have aged remarkably well, by the way and you should listen/buy their new CD//BSB I'm marketing your stuff please send me a signed album if physical albums still exist).

As I normally do following a concert, I quickly compiled a iTunes playlist that would be able to bring those feelings back. As I scrolled through all 2.48 billion songs I own (approximately) I found gems once forgotten. Moonpools and Caterpillars' "Summertime" from the Baby-Sitters Club movie, which I'm sure many of you have forgotten about. Aqua's "Barbie Girl." Robyn's "Show Me Love." You know, the classics.

Hidden among the rubble was a perennial favorite, Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want." I realize the song is probably written from the viewpoint of a guy trying to convince a girl to love him instead of the perfect guy she's dating who means nothing to her. Sorry band, you're wrong, that's not what the song is about. Okay, maybe that is what the song was about. I suppose if you write the music you can decide what it means.

I've never skipped this song when it comes on shuffle to the best of my knowledge. There's something that resonates with me. It's not a matter of unrequited love, it's a matter of loving myself. Where one person can hear the singer lamenting about the inability to love the person right for them, I hear the question of whether or not I love myself. Can I ever be enough for me? Can any of us ever be enough for ourselves?

It's a question I don't think is unique to Millenials, but I do think it's a question more vocalized by my age group. We grew up with so many options in front of us. Technology and globalization have opened up possibilities unheard of before now. There's so much knowledge. There's so much we are supposed to learn, supposed to do, supposed to be- our success is so tied up with who we are that it's impossible to ever be enough for what the world tells us is enough. And I struggle with this. There's the constant yearning that I'm not contributing enough to society, that I haven't lived up to whatever potential I had in high school, that I'm losing precious time to be something.

Which is all quite ridiculous when I honestly stop to think about it. I don't know what I thought I would be in order to be enough. I think I know who I am in process of being. But I need to keep reminding myself of that-
  • I'm happily married
  • I have two great cats (yes, this is an accomplishment)
  • This fall I'm starting a PhD program and living abroad
  • I ran a half-marathon
  • I'm privileged to be a part of a family, an extended family, and a church family that loves me
I don't know why there are times when I feel this impulse to need to do more and do better. Maybe you feel it too? Maybe you don't. Maybe you've figured your life out and it's just a matter of time. Maybe it's just a matter of realizing that it's not about living up to the success that the world wants, there's a greater idea of love and success that we should be striving toward. Maybe I'm not defined by a job or an academic degree or how much people love me. Maybe it should be measured by how much I love them, by how often I realize that just being and trying is more than enough. Maybe that's what I want to move towards.

I know that's what I want to move towards.


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